I moved out of home when I was 18, so you'd think I'd know enough about the world to avoid putting myself into a houseshare arrangement at the age of 30. I know I haven't always been perfect (sorry Tash for the clothes graveyard - I have improved somewhat since then) but the list of crazy flatmates is long and exhaustive - there was Chris the steroid pumped protein shake freak, the ex DJ Sally ‘please make no noise’ Sound, not to mention Zoe the Salsa dancing man-eater just to name a few but I hadn't envisaged adding any more names to the list! With all this worldly knowledge behind me, you'd think I might have worked out that houseshare really isn’t worth the few pennies in savings! However, having come to London with the very clear objective to save money and run, in our blind optimism (it had been a year since we’d been in the real world after all) we figured it was the most viable solution... oh, the fact that no real estate agent would talk to us without jobs or bank accounts may have been a secondary consideration. I will also add that I thought it would benefit Konrad, who had the luxury of being cooked and cleaned for by his mother for 27 years, to have flatties for a few months. How can one go through life without this experience? (In blissful ignorance I suppose).
Firstly, let me say I think Konrad is one of the most anally retentive men I’ve ever come across... sorry sweetie, you know I love you but there is a reason your nickname is sudsy and it’s got everything to do with the exfoliating gloves, the bottle of bleach, those perfectly hung suits and your daily obsession with washing everything in sight! By all accounts you sound like the perfect flatmate however your complete lack of tolerance for anyone who is slightly below par in the cleaning stakes is perhaps something you needed to work on – every cloud has a silver lining! You like to run a clean and highly ordered life! You are used to spending 3 hours vacuuming one room, breaking out in a sweat when cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the dishes until every last piece of bacteria has been removed! I know you think that's what everyone does and I know you think you're not highly strung but that 'my way or the highway' attitude to shared living perhaps wasn't always the best tack to take.
The signs were there the day we moved in... the 3cms of dust on the picture rails, the 3 month old splash of yoghurt down the back of the fridge, the caked on exploded egg in the microwave, the flatmate that locks her room, wears thongs in the shower to avoid the dirt (that's flip flops not a g-string for those who need an English language translation) and lives on Sainsbury’s Tikka Masala ready meals. We ignored all of these and approached the situation with zest and enthusiasm! This was going to be great! We will do a bit of cleaning to begin with (about 5 hours in the end) and the house will be ours and liveable. We will inspire them to keep it clean by ‘setting the right example’. They will want to keep it that way. We will change ourselves and the world of our housemates forever – never to look back!
I successfully counselled Konrad through the first month, however not long after he burst into the living room to find a pair of jeans being dried on the radiator with the couch in the middle of the room. I wasn’t actually in the room but all I heard was "this is not a Chinese laundry!" being yelled at the top of his lungs. Okay so maybe he was being a bit unreasonable and others did have certain rights in the house too but the next thing we are being told by the righteous one was "this is a democracy" - hadn't she ever heard of 'Konrad the Despot'? And how can we now be denied access to her pots and pans (that were only worth 10 quid 3 years ago) in this democracy? We don't eat ready meals! Nor are we able to use that stanky arse microwave!
Anyway, I could go on to list another 30 odd incidences including taking our wet washing and throwing it on the dirty floor, constantly having to pick up long black hair from the bathroom floor, watching the garbage bin overflow until the bag burst, finding wax strips with body hair stuck to the to the top of the garbage bin and the piece de resistance, putting a dirty dish in a clean dishwasher and re-running it so as to avoid having to unstack it. Yes they're all true! Come to think about it though wearing shoes in the shower to avoid cleaning actually does take the cake.
Houseshare is a democracy though I suppose and we are all allowed to behave however we like as we all pay rent... fair enough... but finally, I snapped. There was this "this is about everybody" line that I was subjected to last week. Sensing the mounting tensions, Santosh decided to approach me for a 'discussion’... wanting to clear her name of all wrong doing before we left. The conversation went something like this "I think it’s unfair that I should do any cleaning, if the other housemate involved does not do his fair share"... I don’t remember much else... all I know is my blood started boiling and I yelled "you are so f*&n lazy.... watching us clean for 6 months is completely fair and democratic then? I love your long black hair... it gives me pleasure to have to pick it out of the shower every morning". Yes I suppose I had finally lost it too! Maybe a little immature of me but that 'all about me' logic had just gone too far - even though the fact that she used to vacuum her room up to her door and happily watch us do the rest of the house had been grating on my nerves for a while. So it’s all gone pear-shaped again - another flatmate relationship to the grave! This one will be remembered as Santosh - The Democratic One... it’s about everybody as long as I don’t have to lift a finger for anybody!
Chatting to my sister on messenger this morning, she did point out that all this will in fact be good practice if we ever decide to have children. She tells me through great experience that it is all about them - you clean the place, they trash it, you clean it, they trash it and then never give anything back... sorry Mum, it must have been awful!
Houseshare rant complete, back onto our travels – this is supposed to be a travel blog after all. The 6 month money run is over – our mission is complete! The work contracts are drawing to a close and we are ready to pack it all in and resume that more glamourous life of skiing, travel and adventure. Most of you reading this probably think – geez guys, you're not living in the real world. Back on the road again? Aren’t the frivolities over yet? Aren't you going to finally realise you have to settle down, progress your career, have a family and lay claim to some assets. Yeah maybe? But not until we’ve skied Verbier and Chamonix, seen NYC and the States, learnt Spanish, scaled the mountains to Machu Pichu and partied in Rio :). Maybe then we'll think about settling down... or maybe we'll just have to start up a business in the Alps :)) Only time will tell.
Let me just finally reflect on our experiences of the last six months for a moment. London to me is like an unsettled relationship... you love it, you hate it, you want to leave but you don’t. It gives you money but restricts your freedoms. It makes you laugh, cry, get angry and all fuzzy inside... and then finally you leave but with some fond memories of all those experiences and emotions and you’re glad that you went there but not sure if you’ll ever go back again. You know what they say, if you make it to 6 months you’ll make it to 2 years, if you make it past 2 years you’ll make it to 5. I guess we’re not going to make it much past 6 months so perhaps it’s been a fairly superficial experience. We do feel like we’ve gotten to know it a little bit, fall in love with it a little bit and despite that we’re now ready to move on.
Thanks to everyone who helped make it an enjoyable time here. Garth in particular who just kept inviting us to those crazy Clapham BBQs. Thanks to you and your lovely friends we managed to develop some sort of social circle whilst we were here and we’re really looking forward to gatecrashing Shazza’s farewell party on Saturday night and calling it our own :). A note to all the visitors as well – Mick and Bel, Nora, Scott, Dany & Clare, Billy, Antho & Amanda and most recently Art. We thoroughly enjoyed seeing you all and it was great that you could share our experience of London with us.
I’ll leave you with some final photo impressions of the UK, including a recent trip in the rain up to the beautiful university town of Cambridge.
Cheers and we’ll look forward to blogging next from the Alps.
Is that the ghost of London? ... Garth in supernatural mode.
Art and the 75,000 Pound Mammoth Tusk in Harrods! Just what you need for your townhouse back home.
Riding the London bus!
Outside Jamie's Restaurant after an excellent meal.
View from St James' Park
St Pauls Cathedral
One of the hundreds of Ferraris driving the city on a daily basis!
First Tripod Shot with NEW camera - a few things to master but we'll get there
Cambridge
Cambridge
Dedicated sightseeing in the rain - Cambridge
PS: And for those that are interested here is a rough itinerary of our plans for the next 6 months:
March 3 – 7: Verbier, Switzerland
March 7 – 16: Chamonix, France
March 16 – May 4: Val d’Isere, France (Will have an apartment so if you're in the area please stop in and stay!)
May 4 – 7: Paris (One last stop in one of my favourite cities)
May 7 – June 3: London, Edinburgh, Scotland, Lakes District, Cornwall
June 4 – July 18: Canada & US
July 18 till the money ends: South America
Sept/Oct: Arrive in Oz
